Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My wife hates my ex. Any advice?

I have been divorced from my ex for a little over 5 years now. I married my current wife a year and a half ago and love her more than anything in the world. She is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I always make sure she knows this. Thing is, my ex and I have a 7 year old daughter together and my wife is extremely distrustful of my ex.

My ex and I are on good terms with each other since we realized we are still good friends at heart (we've known each other almost our entire lives) but we are absolutely terrible in a relationship. We understand that just cause she makes me want to wring her neck 99% of the time doesn't make me any less of a parent to our child and that's the way our relationship has been for 5 years. Good friends who care more about the well being of our child more than anything else.

When my current wife and I started dating and subsequently married, I made it very clear that my daughter is important to me and that I believe strongly in showing a unified front in her parents, divorced or not. She has always said she was ok with this. But as time goes on, my wife takes every opportunity she gets to take potshots at my ex for no reason. She calls her names and all sorts of unnecessary things.

We are now expecting a child soon and when she asked who could babysit while we are at work, I said my ex would be a great candidate. She could use the money, she is free during the day, is absolutely wonderful with children, and most importantly, it makes a great opportunity for the baby to bond with his big sister. My wife flew off the handle when I suggested this. You would think I had just kicked her dog across the room.She came up with every excuse in the world why my ex could never ever watch the baby. She even said ';Your ex has too many pets!'; (We have pets too.....)

I'm not sure where all this hatred is coming from when she knew of my ex and how we worked when we got married. I've never kept anything a secret. She knows that I have no feelings towards my ex other than respect for the mother of my child and an old childhood friend.

I overheard my wife talking to her cousin and family and they fill her head with the worst crap I have ever heard. They my ex is a b**** (they've never met her) and that she will hurt our baby and that she harbors resentment towards her. I don't know where they get off feeding her ideas like this which are untrue and unsubstantiated.

My wife and I have started getting into arguments over this and she believes I should never defend my ex even though she is the mother of my child, an old old friend, and still a respected friend. Am I supposed to completely cut off more than 18 years of my past because my wife can't control her jealousy?

I don't know how to handle these arguments anymore without being a liar, which I refuse to do.I'm not going to turn my back on my past and more importantly, my daughter who needs her father in her life, no matter what the circumstances may be. To agree with my wife in these arguments would be doing just that and would make me dishonest and I just can't do that.

Any advice?My wife hates my ex. Any advice?
I gotta say BJB has some good advice. I totally agree with that advice. I understand it may be frustrating and difficult but if you want to stay with your wife, you have to lay down the law with her.

I am almost embarrassed to say that I have girlfriends on both ends of this situation. I've tried to get the real truth behind the resentment for the former girlfriend or wife and it all boils down to jealously. Your wife must see some sort of interaction that you have with your Ex that she wishes you had with her.

I read you said you love her and that she is the love of your life...do you like her? Do you show her that you two can be friends or friendly in the same manner as you are with your Ex? I think wives forget that marriage and living with someone is different than interacting with someone on an occasional basis. It's very immature and childish.

What she should realize is that she has you and you aren't going anywhere. Also, tell her to STOP talking to all those naysayers. Polluting her mind will absolutely destroy your relationship and may even cause divorce, as thinking negatively is the beginning to all problems.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change the actions or thinking of others but you can describe how it makes you feel, as women are more receptive to sentiments than logic. Perhaps her listening to how you feel about her actions and how it is destroying your relationship, might place some perspective and force some maturity out of her. I understand you've talked to her but put your words into describing feelings, plus let's not forget you're doing with an emotional being right now because of her pregnancy so much may not make sense right now.

I also would suggest talking to your Ex and seeing if you two can come up with a plan to help diffuse your situation at home, at least until all the pregnancy and post-delivery emotions are gone. Your ex-wife has had experience with pregnancy emotions and can probably provide insight as well.

GOOD LUCK!My wife hates my ex. Any advice?
You are married to your wife now. Of course she don't want the ex around. I would not want to hang around the ex either nor would most women would want the ex to babysit her own children. Pick one and stay true. You can't have it both ways. No wonder the woman is upset and insecure. it is YOU!

Report Abuse

Sometimes, women are very jealous creatures. Maybe you and your wife should go to therapy sessions with your ex. Then maybe your wife would see that she isn't all that bad. It is very rare that ex's get along well, espiecially when a child is involved. Is your ex seeing somebody? maybe the jealousy stems from you 2 being so close for years, marrying, having a child, and still remaining friends. I can kinda understand her freaking about the babysitting thing, i think I would too. Espiecially when she already harbours bad feelings toward this woman. Do you talk about your ex alot? That would irratate a woman. Does you wife have issues with her self-esteem? There are alot of questions that you need to think about. Hope this helped!
Your wife is EXTREMELY insecure, but I'm afraid she is also VERY immature and behaving badly.

You are absolutely right to want to maintain a united front for your daughter. She is very lucky to have such smart parents. My father caved into his new wife and moved 400 miles away. We grew up without him and it was traumatic.

You need to lay down the law to your wife. You need to tell her very firmly that your ex will ALWAYS be in your life because you share a child and that her behaviour only makes her look bad and will never get you to change your mind about it. Expect tantrums.

Basically if you allow this behaviour to go on, it will only get worse. It took my stepmother about 20 years to even exchange words with my mother, who had been nothing but generous and respectful of her.

Also, be alert for your wife favouring your new baby over your daughter. Take your daughter seriously if she says your wife is mean to her because your wife is so immature that I could see her taking it out on your daughter just because she also belongs to your ex.

I'm glad you love your wife so much because it's going to take a lot of love and patience to fix this.

Good luck.

No comments:

Post a Comment